There are several things over which I have no control: I can’t control the fact that things are always busy and there will always be work and chores and meals to prepare. I can’t keep bad things from happening in the outside world. I can’t control the actions and thoughts of others.
I can, however, keep these things from infecting my home. Here are 3 ways I simplify my life by controlling my thoughts, moods and words.
1) I can reframe my thoughts.
Instead of being irritated when I see my husband’s shoes left in the living room, I can turn that moment into something different. I can think: “I’m grateful that my husband is in my life and that we share a home together. I’m grateful we can afford shoes. I’m grateful that we have an organized closet in which to put these shoes. And, really, how many other things does he do right all the time?” And then I just put the shoes away and am left with a feeling of love, rather than irritation.
via Flickr
2) I can decide I’m going to be in a good mood.
What’s that line? “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”? That’s a nugget of truth if I’ve ever heard one. I set the tone for the day for my family. Is it going to be a good day? Are we going to laugh? Are we going to have fun? Or, are we going to walk on egg shells all day because Stabby Mommy’s come to town. I choose. Period.
And I have the ability to choose to be in a good mood, even if it’s not always easy. I can remove myself for 15 minutes and talk to an encouraging friend or listen to 4 songs that really pump me up, or go for a walk or meditate or eat an “It’s It”. Whatever it takes for me to be responsible for your own mood.
Or, if removing myself isn’t possible, I can make a decision that I’m going to fake it ’til I make it. I can force myself to smile. Seriously. Study after study has shown that the physical act of smiling releases happy hormones that then make you feel happy. I can read a funny book to my kids, or do a silly dance from the late 80s just to embarrass them (which always puts me in a good mood). It’s not going to be immediate, but after a few minutes, my mood will start to match my intention.
3) I can keep my mouth shut.
One day, it occurred to me that I didn’t have to give voice to every single thought that crossed my mind. Wow! That’s life-changing! I can decide that I’m not going to litter my family’s ears by complaining all the time. If I don’t have anything nice to say, I can say nothing at all. Seems obvious, but it made a big difference to me, my mood and those around me.
I don’t always succeed in doing all these things as well as I’d like (in fact, I fail more than I succeed), but I’m convinced that the very act of trying is making my life simpler, and happier.
This post originally appeared as a guest post on one of my favorite new blogs, Lists in My Pocket.
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LOVE the tips! my favorite reframing advice was (i think it was from the happiness project?) to replace ‘have to’ with ‘get to’.
as in: not ‘i have to clean the bathroom’, but ‘i get to spend some free time doing something mentally easy that will have a nice result. and i can enjoy some music while i’m doing it.’
not ‘i have to study’ but ‘i get to continue learning throughout my career.’
always love your posts!!
Such wisdom! I can always do with a reminder, thanks!
Thank you for such great great tips! I must give these a go!!!
The power of positive thinking!
Hear, hear!
I am constantly reminding myself that I can’t change other people, but I CAN change my attitude! And what a difference changing me can make.
Your posts always seem to hit at the right moments for me. I forget that I can’t and don’t need to control everything that happens – I just have to change the way I think and react to how things happen. Hope you had a fun and safe 4th!
Love love love your blog and truly love these tips. I’ve been thinking more lately about all of these things, especially #2 & #3. I am a stellar complainer, and it does nothing to help myself or those around me. As my son starts to grow up and understand what I’m saying, I realize I want to set a positive example for him, and create a sense of calm and joy in our lives (as much as possible). Yes we can organize & list all we want, but true satisfaction and peace comes from learning to let go a little
Your post reminds me of one of my very favorite sayings – We choose when to be happy. As far as number 3 goes…. well, I am a work in progress and this will be the ultimate challenge for me
. Love your blog!
You’re right, Kara. That’s what ALL of this boils down to, isn’t it? We choose to be happy.
That’s so simple, but so powerful to me.
i love the first tip–it’s sooo easy for me to get aggravated over something so small (like you said–hubby [in my case, beau] leaving the shoes out). but breaking it down into smaller pieces of what we’re grateful for really takes away the anger and frustration. thanks!
omg, the very name “Stabby Mommy” sends me into fits of laughter — which will improve my mood instantly! Thank you for the great tips!
This is a lovely post and a good reminder. Because I’m so critical of myself, I don’t hesitate to extend that criticising to others but there’s just no NEED to do that all the time.
I still can’t bring myself to put away my husband’s shoes, though…
Karen
Love these reminders and all your posts. I think though that sometimes it’s important to let kids (and ourselves) know that occasional bad moods are okay — to just say “I feel sad/mad/bad and need a mommy time-out.” It’s normal to feel bad occasionally and kids should learn from us how to handle our low moments. It’s actually being generous to let them feel okay being blue but that there are many ways to cope — and REALLY generous if we allow them to help us feel better, whether that means giving us some time alone, giving us a hug or kiss, helping with dinner or offering us some words of wisdom – I often get great perspective from my children.
Loved this post the first time I read it and I still do. Simple, wise advice that is much appreciated.
@Kristen: you are so right! It’s crucial for moms not to hide behind a ‘perfect’ facade. I try to always let my kids know when I’m in a bad mood and can’t snap out of it. Helps them to know it’s not their fault, it’s just me and it’s normal.
I just started reading your blog, and head the urge to comment on this, one of the first posts I’ve read – so I can tell this is going to be the start of something beautiful!
Anyway, onto the comment…
Tip 1 is huge for me. I don’t want to be one of those people who tells their kids to finish their dinner because there are starving kids in Africa, but when my partner complains about traffic jams, I reply with “Yes, the traffic is irritating, but isn’t it nice that we have a comfortable car to experience it in?” And so forth. He’s always grateful be reminded to look on the bright side!