Let me start by saying that it’s a point of pride for me that I’m pretty good at my job.
I am NOT good at many, many things (like finding my car in a parking garage or not getting lost in my own neighborhood) but I am very, very good at my job. It’s just true.
Part of that is that my job involves lots of details and, it’s a point of pride for me that I’m great at handling lots of small details. I’m really exact. I like to get it right, the first time, every time.
Why am I telling you this?
Because, today it came to my attention that, on one of these detail-oriented projects, I’d screwed up. Not once. Once is ok. I can handle once. Not twice. Twice would be borderline insanity, but deal-able.
No. I screwed up 3 times. On a task I’ve done almost every week for 19 years at my job.
I can’t explain to you (well, maybe I can – you are Penelopes) how this shattered me. It totally left me unable to think about anything other than “what the HELL is wrong with me?!?!?”
How could I do this? Do I have some neurological or vision disorder I’m not aware of? Am I losing my sanity? Or, also terrifyingly, am I simply losing my beloved innate Penelope kick-assedness?
Everyone else around me, all my very gracious and loving colleagues, were quick to console me:
- “you were just moving too fast”
- “you have too much on your plate”
- “you were simply distracted, trying to give us direction whilst simultaneously doing these entries”
And my favorite:
“We all make mistakes. Be kind to yourself. Let it go.”
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha.
I have as much chance at just letting this go as I do of magically becoming a supermodel. Ain’t. Happenin’.
I know I’ll eventually let this go. I’ll think carefully about how I made the mistakes (which happened over two different sessions of this task, can’t even blame it on just one bad day) and how to build in doublechecks to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
My rational self WILL take over once again.
But for now… I’m furrowing my brow and creepily shaking my head and muttering under my breath about what an doofus I am.
This just has to run it’s course, with me silently obsessing about it. That’s just gonna be how it is.