I’m not one for New Year’s resolutions, but this year, my stress levels demanded that I make some changes. As you well know, I’m the kind of person who does 10 things at once, has way more to do than I can ever possibly get done and balances being 10 different things to 100s of people. Wife, mom, boss, friend, sister – you know the drill. I’ll wager you’re doing it, too.
I decided that things had to change. My resolution? Simple. To spend one year being more “present” in my life. I hate that “woo woo” sort of phrasing, but it’s true, I needed to focus on being focused. I needed to stop worrying about the next five minutes, five hours or five years and instead be in this minute. Right now. This is not easy for me.
Here are a few things I’ve been working on to be more present:
1) Stop multi-tasking
One of the worst things we women do is fool ourselves into thinking that doing several things at once makes us effective. It doesn’t.
In fact, multi-tasking doesn’t make you smart, it makes you stupid. Worse, it makes you inattentive and unfocused. I’ve been concentrating on doing one thing at a time and I’ve found that my work is better, my writing clearer, my relationships stronger as I truly listen to people when they talk to me.
2) Stop worrying constantly and, instead, put those thoughts into a drawer – literally
There’s no question that my single biggest weakness is how much I worry. I make myself physically ill with worry and I’ve done this since I was a little girl. It’s the way I’m wired. I’ve tried many, many strategies to deal with the constant barrage of spinning thoughts and the most effective one involves a jar and a drawer.
I bought a pretty blue Mason Jar from a seller on Etsy and keep a tiny note pad and pen next to it in a drawer. Every time some train of worrying thoughts threatens to distract and derail me, I first make sure I’ve taken any action I can take toward ridding myself of the worry.
Once that’s done, I write down what I’m worrying about and put that slip of paper in the jar. The act of closing the lid on it and putting the jar in the drawer and closing the drawer helps me get distance from those thoughts.
3) Stop thinking that my level of “busy” equals my level of value
I’ve noticed that, the busier I am, the more confident I feel about my value. Now, THIS is a slippery slope. If I have to be super busy to feel like I’m valuable, how can I grow as a person? I’ll spin myself into a lather and then won’t be useful to anyone.
Instead, I’m trying to focus on the three roles that mean the very most to me in my life (for me, that’s wife, mom, boss) and for each, have come up with three specific actions I can take daily to bring value to those roles. That way, I can truly be valuable, rather than filling my plate to the point of overflow and not really getting anything accomplished.
By keeping myself from multi-tasking, worrying needlessly and being busy for busy’s sake, I keep myself more present in each moment. Since beginning this concentration, I’ve felt I’m participating more in my life, rather than just having it pass by in a blur.
I was thrilled to share this article with the readers of Overcoming Busy, one of my favorite websites.
- On my mind: attention is love I’ve been incredibly challenged and inspired by the comments on...
- Goals for the New Year (not a list of resolutions, because I suck at resolutions) New Year’s resolutions suck, so I don’t do them. No...
- More summer sanity solutions: three ways to get kids reading over summer vacation I got some really smart feedback from reader Jennifer about...
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
I like this post very much. i recently wrote about worry myself since it’s a trap I can fall into quite easily. I love that part about being busy and level of value. I know sometimes when I am practicing self care I will start to feel a bit guilty because I am not out there “doing”. Great share! Thanks so much.
Wow — I just quoted you in my latest ‘tweet’. This is such a good reminder! Thank you! I made my “word” for 2010 DWELL — because I know I need to learn to stop and enjoy my life! Perfect article to remind me of that!
I love the putting worries in a jar idea. These days I too feel too busy and too unfocused. Whenever I am working, I am also emailing, trying to outline my next book chapter in my head, and figuring out what I will eat for lunch. Of course, everythign suffers since I am giving nothing 100%. I’ve foudn that so often I can’t get rid of the thoughts racing through my head until I write them down. So I really want to try this drawer idea. Then, if I really need to deal with something i can find my worries easily, but who wants to worry?!?! I’m confident it will help me rid some of the unnecessary stressors. Thanks!!
I worry. All the time. I recognize that when I’m worrying about something, I hold onto it very tightly…so my exercise lately has been to literally open my hands. When I notice a worry starting to become overwhelming, I open my hands…loosening my grip. So far, it’s helpful.
Can you please post this at least once a month? I needed it when you posted it on my site and I needed it today! Great message and great reminder!
Years ago at a church service I received a small box with tiny dolls in it. These were ‘worry people’ it was explained, from Guatemala. The idea was, to tell your worries to these dolls, and they would do your worrying for you. It is surprising how well this can work. Keeping things to myself can cause ulcers. http://www.amazon.com/Guatemalan-Worry-Dolls/dp/B001PKZ9EQ
I knew you guys would understand my predisposition to worry.
Katrina: I love the idea of using the physical action of opening your hands to remind yourself to let go. That’s really smart.
Wonderful, wonderful post. Taking it to heart…
My problem is multi-tasking, too. Thank you for this reminder to STOP!
This post was amazing. I loved it. I read it this afternoon and then saved it to read again tonight because I was multi-tasking and figured if I couldn’t concentrate on reading one post, I really needed to scale back!
Worrying is a big issue for me too and it was great to see how you handle it and to know I’m not alone.
Thanks for the post!
another very great post, girl. right now as i’m thinking about it there are two things in my head. is worrying too much and too often a new disease? i remember 10 years ago when i just started to work and the following years i didn’t worry about a damn thing. now – i don’t know why – whether it’s the economic situation that makes us fear that if we don’t work enough we’re not of value – we keep on worrying about everyday life and forget that we’re working for a living and not living for working. the idea of putting the worries into a jar is amazing as you’re literally putting them away. the second thought was – for each worry that you have you should write down one happy thought… something you’re grateful for or something that made you happy that day. so at the end of the year you have the equivalent of happiness next to your worries. just a thought.
busy=value. that hits it right on! such a slippery slope i see people riding down everyday. especially with facebook, you can see that trend in what people post. and it seems the ones who are always so busy are the ones who are most often sick. and those are the ones who feel so guilty when they are down and can’t “do” anything. alas, we all want to feel valuable. now, that’s something to write about. how do people find their value, apart from doing and being everything to everyone? or without shopping too much (that one is me)?
honestly, i’m not the worrying type. i seem to lack all traits of melancholy. but i can see what a great idea the jar is….and the worry dolls, how cute!
at first glance i’m concerned with your “roles”. they all seem to be about what you give and not specifically about what you are. i’d be interested to hear those specific things you do daily to bring value.
this has got me thinking….
@ Olivia: you’ve really got me thinking. Question: can you give me an example of a role that would be about who I am, rather than what I am to others? I’m stumped.
I’m thinking something more like…. being a person that is described by an adjective instead of a noun. to be “known” as the lady that ….always has a joke (funny or entertaining)…or the lady that is a real go-getter and can be depended on to always come through….or the lady that is such a great listener, or great organizer. whatever trait is important to you…and develop THAT. those positive traits or practices can overlap in all roles. i think that’s what i’m trying to say. i guess my brain just doesn’t conceptualize the “wearing different hats/roles”. i’m more of a “this is me in all situations” type gal.
THEN AGAIN…i could be totally flawed in my thinking on this one. this topic just really hits home for me right now since i’m just finishing nursing school, only been married 2 yrs…turning 35 this year….i feel like i’m just starting to figure out who and what i am…really, challenging who and what i THOUGHT i was. i thought people were the most open-minded and into self-discovery in their early 20’s but….here i am!
Very happy to see the agreement coming in from all over that multi-tasking is ineffective, inefficient, and un-fun. I’m reminded of the quote from John Tarrant Roshi: “Attention is the most basic form of love.” Giving my full attention to something – it doesn’t matter what! – is where the joy is.
so i’m not alone in this?
every year i try and make it my mission to be more present – it’s incredibly hard for me though. my mind is always on overdrive – i’m always thinking ahead! my husband on the other hand is always in the present – it’s amazing, i still don’t know how he does it! i’m with you – i’m just wired this way. so thanks for all these great tips – i definitely need to try them….i really like your idea for worrying! definitely going to try that.
I love this post!! It hit me!!! I worry like a champ, and I am working really hard to overcome that!! I love the idea of a worry jar!! I may have to steal that one from you!!!!
@Olivia: Thanks for the clarification. I understand exactly what you mean now and am really thinking about traits that I can develop that transcend my separate “roles”. Thank you for this.
@Max: Loving, loving this quote: “”Attention is the most basic form of love.” That’s really hit home to me.
I’m loving ALL the input from you readers on this post. You’ve deepened my thoughts about these issues and given me lots to chew on.
So many thoughts on this…
I think blogging regularly (be it writing posts, design stuff for the blog, etc.) – could be something that you do for you and that truly has value (and hopefully makes you feel valued too)! The busy=value thing is everywhere. People brag about being workaholics (even if they aren’t productive at work!) because that is so valued.
Olivia’s comment regarding status updates on facebook – wow – it was like a lightbulb moment for me. There is a group of women (who all happen to be SAHM – not sure if there is a link) who all day have updates about working out, cleaning out closets, driving kids places – they used to annoy me and I’d turn off their updates. They made me feel unproductive (granted I have no kids and am usually in an office) – but they did. And now I’m looking at those updates through a different lens. What they are posting says – “See, I’m busy, I’m doing something, value me.” Hmm…
But the part that resonated with me the most was regarding worries. I worry a lot. Too much. I worry that my worrying will prevent me from getting pregnant because it will increase cortisol levels?! Worrying about worrying – I take my neuroticism seriously! Yesterday my mom called with bad news (my parents blissfully happy 33 year marriage may be a mirage) and I actually said to her – “Wow – that is actually something I have never worried about.” I was literally shocked that I hadn’t already thought to worry about something and I was mad that it snuck up on me. In some ways I think my worries are necessary (and I hold onto them) because I think they are preparing me for when the other shoe drops. But I know that the more I worry the less productive I am and certainly the less present I am.
In short – thank you – and I too wish to be more present.
Great post! I am a constant worrier and thinker. I am trying to be present more and put my phone away when people are talking to me and listening more. I know it sounds easy but for me, its hard because I can be multi-tasking. Those famous words! Worrying does cause me to lose lots of sleep. So like your jar, one thing I found that works for me very recently, is that I have an application on my iPhone used to take notes, etc and since I sleep with it near me (alarm clock), if I have a worry or fear that I’m going to forget to do something, I type it in there. And then I can rest assured that I’m not going to forget to do that thing. Or that worry is tucked away. It’s funny because I get annoyed when people don’t pay me full attention when I’m talking. Lol. Why can’t I pay them the same consideration? I’m not more important or busier. In fact they are more important than me.
Wow. This is funny, because when I posted my review of the book Redeeming Love, I forgot to include what I loved most about the book: the idea of a God box. You take a worry/desire/need/or something else you need help with, write it down, and put it in the box. After that, you no longer worry or obsess about it. The idea is to “let go and let God.” I believe there is a similar idea in the book Simple Abundance for those who are more comfortable releasing their worries to the “universe” instead of God or another higher power.
How odd that I forgot to mention my favorite part of the story, and how odd that you posted about it!
Wow, I absolutely love this post. You nailed it. I’m with you on # 2. Although, I have to admit I need to work on all of these.