I got an email from a fellow Penelope, Stacy, that both tickled and fascinated me. We both wanted to know what the rest of the Penelope world would do in the same situation.
Here’s Stacy’s story:
A couple of weeks ago, I went to stay with my brother (with whom I’m very close) for a few days at his new apartment. The first morning after my arrival, I woke up before he did and went into the kitchen for a cup of coffee.
As I looked around for the first time, I immediately noticed how many food items he had on top of his refrigerator and on his counters. There was stuff all over the place.
But, I got really confused when I opened up one of his cabinets and found it was empty. Completely empty! A quick search told me that 90% of his cabinets were empty.
Why would he have food and pantry items all over the kitchen except the cabinets? It made no sense!
So, we’re curious, Penelopes: what would YOU do in this situation?
- a) Immediately launch into a complete kitchen re-organization. You simply can’t help yourself.
- b) Wait until your brother comes downstairs and calmly discuss some other options with him that include proper use of cabinet space.
- c) Walk away and don’t say a word. It’s his house, not yours.
- d) Take some course of action.
There is absolutely no right or wrong answer. In fact, for now, I’m not even going to tell you what I’d do. I will, however, leave a comment in a few days with my answer.
Until then, I want to know what YOU’D do. Come on, be honest!
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RESULTS: Great feedback, Penelopes. This was a fascinating exercise.
Here’s were we stand now that we’ve gotten 51 people to weigh in: over half of us said we’d go with Option B. We’d just have to talk to our brothers and see what was going on, we couldn’t just let it go. The second largest category went with Option A: they’d just jump in and change things. And very, very few said they’d not say anything at all or take another path entirely.
Again, there’s no right or wrong here. I think at the base of everyone’s answer is a place of really good intentions and I love that.
I’m going to do a poll like this every once in a while because I find this kind of thing so fascinating. I hope you’ll all continue to jump in with your honest reactions.
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{ 53 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m going with B. In a totally non-judgmental way, of course.
I am not sure I would be calm. I would probably say to him, “Why in the heck do you not use your cabinet space?…We are definitely going to do something about this.”!
I’d have to go with B even though it would be so hard not to just jump in and do A!!
OK, maybe I’m not quite enough of a Penelope, but it’s absolutely C for me. Walk away and do nothing, it’s not my house or my business.
Yes, it would be painful, but any other answer would suggest–to me–that the far larger problem was mine, not his. But then I’m a pretty strong don’t-but-insky unless there is a hugely compelling reason, and my own judgment and preference are rarely compelling reasons to mess in someone else’s life. My control twitches are my issue. My brother’s kitchen is his.
Well, I would have to say it’d be combination of B & C. I wouldn’t start organizing. I would wait until he woke up and talk to him about it. But by talking, it would be something like, “what the hell have you got going on here?”
I’d like to think I’d do B. But in all honesty, in my family, we all go for option A. It was only after the 4th or 5th time of organizing my aunt’s pantry (while staying with her) that it even occurred to me to ask her if she was okay with me doing it (she was). And I’m not the only one in the family who takes action first and sometimes remembers to ask later.
Well, my fingers would be itching to do something (!)….but it wouldn’t be my place. I think after 24 hours, maybe some very gentle discussion, letting it go if he was clear he didn’t want any help.
I think it’s really important to respect other people’s space and boundaries.
I’d go with B, but mostly because we don’t know the whole story. Perhaps there’s a logical reason the stuff’s not in the cabinets? (An ant infestation and cleanout comes to mind.)
If it were my brother I’m sure I would start by teasing him about it. If teasing didn’t work, I’d call my mom and discuss with her in full detail that situation and any other faults of my brother that came to mind. If my mom’s follow up didn’t move my brother to action, I would organize his cabinets for him … Which is probably what he wanted/expected me to do all along.
Come on…. surely I’m not the only one who would ABSOLUTELY jump in and organise those cupboards
Esp if it’s my brother.
Or a good friend.
In 2008 we went to visit and stay with a very good friend in Ireland. At the time he was a bachelor and it showed. I didn’t totally take over but I organised a few things in his kitchen which he was very grateful for.
The best thing? A year later we went back to visit and………… all my systems were still working. I was SO happy (how sad is that?!)
I’ve been there, but with my sister. I opted for the complete kitchen reorg. It felt great and she actually appreciated it!
I have to go with C. It’s his house, and he must have his reasons for keeping things out and on the countertops. My husband is not a naturally organized person. He doesn’t mind having things out on the counters and surfaces. In fact, he probably kind of likes it because it’s easy for him to see what he has and easy for him to find things. Yes, it drives me crazy and since we share a house, we compromise. But if it was not my house, I’d just stay out of it.
Absolutely C! I might ask about his use of space – but, definately in a neutral way. He’s an adult afterall.
I would have to fix it immediately. I’m just obsessive like that. When my husband and I were first dating, he was taking a nap before work while I was at his house one day, and I had a moment. On that day, 2 hours and 6 garbage bags later, I began the 2 year process of reforming a hoarder. I was successful, and am now married to a man who openly appreciates how Penelope I am. Speaking of, I wrote a post the other day on 10 Signs You’re OCD, if you’d like to read it.
I would make my coffee without doing anything else. I would later say – with no judgment in my voice! – something like “so I couldn’t help noticing that most of your food is on the counter instead of in your cupboards – what’s that about?” Maybe he just had to treat them for roaches or something! I would then ask him if he wanted any help organizing them and offer to assist, reminding him that, as he was well aware, I had a real gift in that department!
My brother is the exact same. He just likes to have everything to hand and is incredibly lazy. He also happens to be disgusting in the way that boy students can be. I refuse to use his bathroom before disinfecting it. I would do none of the above options because they all seem so polite and helpful. I tend to just take the piss repeatedly about these things
I would do B – and with a lot of enthusiasm!
You did say brother..right? And you did say VERY close with…right? Ummm – ya – I would jump in with total excitment and have that kitchen completely organized and up & running before my cup of coffee got cold. Then after he woke up and if he liked it I would move onto other areas of the house like bathroom, laundry room. I AM AN EXTREME PENELOPE and PROUD OF IT!!!!!
I heart my kitchen…in a big way. If someone reorganized it for me without asking, I would be bugged and not at all likely to leave it the way they had placed it. Having said that, I would do B but probably should do C. I agree with Deanna. The fact that his kitchen would drive me nuts is my issue, not his. What I have learned though, is that there are a lot of un-penelopes that would love to be organized but have no idea where to begin. If, in our conversation, I found he fell into that category, I would be all over that kitchen in 3 seconds flat.
I’m leaning towards B, with the realization that if HE doesn’t see it as a problem, then there’s really not much we will be able to do. If we organize it for him, then he won’t have any skin in the game and his habits that got him there will remain the same. In fact, if he can’t find the things in their new homes he might actually DISLIKE organizing now.
I’d do my best to keep my mouth shut. His house, his business. I know I hate it when my mom criticizes or undermines my parenting decisions, so I’d imagine he’d feel the same way if I redid his kitchen.
As much as I would love to put everything away in the cabinets in a beautifully logical, organized way… I would have to just leave it be. It’s important to know your boundaries, and even though he is my brother, this is his home.
Maybe I’d send some sort of Penelope housewarming gift after the fact, as a not-so-subtle hint!
It would be all I could do to control myself from doing A, so I would probably do the first part of C to refrain from the A… and then do B.
Probably B but if I was smart it would be C. We tend to regress to adolescence anyway when we are together. ;-p
I’d want to do A, understand that C was the way to go and then end up in B territory.
My mom and I attacked my dad’s kitchen (he cooks, she burns things) while he was away on a hunting trip a few years ago. We threw out old spices, old food, melty Tupperware, a multitude of bowls and knives, drippy oils, expired boxes of food, random baggies of unknown kitchen dribs and drabs. I still haven’t heard the end of it…two years later.
When she asked me this year if I’d like to attack the two freezers they have (again, while he was away), I bowed out and told her she could handle the battle herself. Sometimes, it’s best to stay OUT of other people’s kitchens. I’d be hurt, disappointed, frustrated and annoyed if someone pulled a sneak attack on me, but I get the need for order. But my control issues (because that’s what this is REALLY about, isn’t it?) shouldn’t splash all over someone else.
I would SO want to do A, but I would restrain myself and do B
I’m with Kristi W. Maybe he likes having stuff out where he can SEE it. There are people whose desks (or whatever) look like mayhem, but they know where everything is. If you reorganized, they wouldn’t be able to find anything.
But if it were MY sibling, I’m sure I would ask, “why is all this stuff out? are you re-organizing? because if you are, i’d love to do it with you!” And if he said he liked it that way or didn’t care–fine. We’d probably have a good laugh about how different we are!
I’d do A, no question. My brother probably wouldn’t even notice, kind of like a haircut…
LOL, that’s an easy one, I have and would choose A. My family loves it when I come to visit, or so they tell me
I also bring my own baskets but that’s the junkie in me…hahahaha.
Laura
I would ask first if there was a reason why the cabinets were empty (maybe he is thinking about how to organize and just hasn’t started and needs help or maybe he’s treating the cabinets for bugs or installing cabinet liners or or or?)
B — if you have that kind of relationship. But C is probably the better choice. His organization works for him… YOU own the problem. It bothers you. It does NOT appear to bother him. You might not get another invite
.
So, obviously my fingers (and even toes) would be twitching and itching for A. And, the only thing keeping me from acting on B would be the fact that I would also start twitching and itching if anyone started moving things around in my kitchen. (My own brother actually refers to my “Penelope affliction” as the “you know that whole don’t f*** with my universe thing you’ve got going on”).
Asking me to do C would be like asking me to turn down a perfect opportunity for my heart to surge with a sense of deep satisfaction.
Option B… Specially if they are close
If it was my brother, I’ll be honest – A.
I really couldn’t pass up the chance! Now if my brother was married or if it was a friend’s house – B.
Oh I’d just ask why he had food outside the cupboards and nothing inside the cupboards and see what he said first. He might have a very good reason – like he was cleaning the inside of the cupboards or was recently painting them and didn’t put anything back until the paint dried… Something like that. But I’d certainly wait for his answer before I gave any suggestions of my own!
I read an interesting article a while back that divided people into innies and outies. Outies need to have everything outside, in full view, otherwise they forget what they have and get confused and irritated. If the brother is an outie, then I understand why he keeps his stuff outside. The way to help him would be to label the cabinets so that he knows shat´s inside, and use clear plastic bind to corral the rest.
Mary Said “If it were my brother I’m sure I would start by teasing him about it. If teasing didn’t work, I’d call my mom and discuss with her in full detail that situation and any other faults of my brother that came to mind. If my mom’s follow up didn’t move my brother to action, I would organize his cabinets for him … Which is probably what he wanted/expected me to do all along”
I Love this answere because tobe quite honest I would tease while I was probing…he could have been cleaning out in preparation for the visit and then got sidetracked and secretly hoped I would have finished the job. LMBO Mary …our poor brothers..
Absolutely, no question, A! There is no way on the planet I could let it go. Everything would be put away and neatly organized before he woke up.
I guess for me, it depends on how close she is to her brother. Personally, I’m really close to my siblings, so I would have no problem asking him what his deal was. But I know that other people have different relationships with family members. I would need to know their level of closeness. Well, I guess I’m absolutely no help!
I think Eternal*Voyageur @ Venusian*Glow is on to something. Maybe the thing to do would be to suggest that he remove the cabinet doors….
I would probably wait to talk to my brother, just in case there is a good reason for not putting the food in the cabinets. If I were to find out that there was no real reason for it though, I’d be gung-ho to go and organize everything!
It would be super hard not to do A–but I would do B.
The reason; because I’ve noticed the world (my family) is full of “innies” and “outies.”
“Innies” want things organized nicely behind closed doors with lots of clean counter space (aaah–what peace.)
“Outies” on the other hand, like stuff out where they can see and touch it (maddening!)
We seem to be magnetically attracted to our opposite and my five children are split, more innies than outies (nature or nurture–who knows.)
Weeeellll, since it’s my brother, I would just jump in and have it done before he got up. However, at the moment, that is what my cabinets and surfaces look like because very creative ants live in my neck of the woods, so there could be a reasonable explanation. It’s about to drive me BANANAS!
I so would do #1. But at least I’d try to do it in “their mindframe”… how I think they’d use their stuff. Hopefully they’d be estatic that they’re counterspace is reclaimed and they can still get to the most often used items… BUT the key would have to be the “with whom I’m very close” relationship and knowing they aren’t themselves a Penelope that just hasn’t had time yet.
I would do B. And if there was no real reason, then A. I had to do this (horrors) when we had ants….
so it may be ants, or some other logical thing.
I would have to do A. But I’m an only child so maybe I’m wrong.
Option B…..I would be TOTALLY tempted to organize everything for him immediaitely but I would resist the temption. It would be so so so hard to wait……
A- no question. My brother knows how I am, and definitely wouldn’t be offended. As a matter of fact, he probably would have expected me to do it and intentionally left everything out.
When he woke-up I’d shoot him in the ass with my BB Gun and proceed to step “B”.
My brother’s cabinets would be organized within 2 hours of this discovery. He would appreciate the help!