I have always identified as a “control freak”. I’ve reveled in the label, actually, especially when it comes to my career. I’m good at what I do. I know what result I want and exactly how I want it achieved. I’m a demanding perfectionist, and things have to be just so. I’ve done well by making the most of these traits.
I also have terrible trouble delegating, even to people I trust immensely. I struggle to “let go”.
All because I’m such a tireless, passionate, devoted control freak. I’m following in the footsteps of other famous control freaks: Madonna, Peyton Manning, Martha Stewart, Leona Helmsley. (OK, maybe not so much that last one.)
Photo by .faramarz
Could it be that I’m afraid to let go of things? Not because they can’t be done as well by someone else. But because I’m afraid they CAN be done just as well. Or better?
And that might mean I’m not useful, or uniquely talented or…worst…it might mean I’m not irreplaceable.
And that might mean people won’t like me or be impressed by me or love me.
And that scares me more than I care to admit. Even to myself.
Maybe being a control freak isn’t so impressive. Maybe it’s just fear masquerading as confidence and capability.
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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
It all comes down to fear and love doesn’t it? I’ve also heard it said that fear is just the absence of love.
Nope, you know you’ll do it better. Well, not necessarily better, but the way YOU want/need it done. Which is usually best, let’s face it…
I can’t delegate. No matter how many instructions and details I give (or perhaps, because of?), it never gets done the way I would have done it.
Don’t try to knock yourself just because you put thought/planning/effort and checking procedures into everything you do.
Be proud to be a Penelope…
Karen
I must be a moderate control freak then (although I think I’m a high control person), because I don’t usually have an issue delegating to others. BUT I do like to be in control and be able to do “quality control” on things I’ve delegated. Hmm, maybe that means I haven’t truly delegated that task then. Oops.
My reason for being a control freak is a like to be in control. I like to be in “the know” and like to have a hand in everything. Must be more a of desire to belong to all groups and be a part of every community. Not to mention I like things to be beautiful, efficient and productive ALL the time, even when it’s other people. Sigh, issues.
holy cow. talk about timing. I just typed out a long comment and in one move, deleted the entire open webpage including my comment. Those words must not have been meant to be!
Being Replaced: I have learned to say “no” to things that keep me from what I want to get done. When saying “no” I don’t have to give a reason to the other person. And if I say no, they will not faint. I imagine they’ll continue on their calling list and find someone who CAN do what I said no to.
Perfectionism: I’m learning to keep other people’s feelings in mind. If I say “good job” absentmindedly while already reaching to straighten up the towels someone folded for me, I am hurting their feelings and reinforcing the idea that they’re not needed to do it. If I’m doing that, I better not be a martyr and wonder why I do it all. (that’s happened to me before!). (I have gotten emails from flylady.net for years and she says daily “I’m so proud of you!” and “You are never behind; jump in right where you are!” and hearing those words daily have helped me give up the idea that I have to do everything perfectly. In fact, her weekly home blessing hour has you vacuum “just the middles” of the room.. WHAT? but it works! Mopping my mom’s way: clear the kitchen of all furniture, then get on your hands and knees and mop the floor by hand. My way on occasion now: take a soapy rag from the kitchen sink, drip big bits of soapy water on the kitchen floor, grab the mop and quickly mop the floor after dinner. may not be a deep clean but it’ll do. am learning to live with “it’ll do”
makes me smile more.
Responsibility: I used to feel so responsible for everything/everyone around me (including seeing a guy on the street as I walked to work – and saw his untied shoelaces. I wanted to tell him and then make sure he tied his shoes – so he’d be safe)… then I learned this saying: I AM responsible for how I treat myself and how I treat others. I am NOT responsible for how others treat others, how others treat themselves or how others treat me. I have to tell myself that every day almost when I want to make everything around me my business. (not saying you do this..but I struggle with this)
I think the world needs Penelopes! they need us for our lists, our energy, and our ability to bring order out of chaos!!
This is an issue I think about a lot.. I tend to be on the controlling side of the spectrum (and think that control can be a great tool for reaching goals and crafting your life) but have learned from observing my mother-in-law that continuous control of any and everything at the expense of your closest relationships is not worth it. In a way she’s a good lesson to always have in front of me. And I think sunny expressed it very well above. My similar mantra is “I can’t change others, I can only change me.”
@Sunny: I think the world needs Penelopes! they need us for our lists, our energy, and our ability to bring order out of chaos!!
I couldn’t agree more!
That’s very insightful, and I’m sure it hits home with a lot of people. I know it does with me; whenever I throw dinners I rarely accept help from others, and it’s likely because I feel their skills will trump mine!
I think there are different areas of control and depending on the areas where we see ourselves striving to lead, we can determine whether or not our thoughts and actions are helpful or hurtful. We can determine if we do what we do out of love or out of fear.
Making lists upon lists, cleaning house meticulously, filing things a certain way, and requiring that our coffee is made “just so” are all non-offensive (though often quite annoying to those who put up with us). Trying to control how others think or behave, like a parent or spouse who has to way in on another fully-capable adult’s every action and/or decision, is offensive.
I think there’s a big difference and I often have to check in with myself to make sure my issues with control don’t become my loved-one issues with me.
I have had similiar thoughts, about control and perfectionism. Do I think that other people won’t do it as well as me? Do I not believe in others ability? Am I insecure and need to prove to everyone especially myself that I am capable? All of the above and more? We are all wokrks in progress…
WOW!!!! That’s about the only words that came to mind as I read this. I’m certainly both a control freak and perfectionist. I’ve alienated others in the workplace with this mentality and it certainly was insecurity playing out. I can see that this plays out at home with my husband and kids as well. Thank you for getting me to think about the root of it all.
I’ll admit I’m a bit of a control freak (btw, what is your Myers Briggs profile???) and a recovering perfectionist.
I really battled to delegate and would you know it’s the thing that freed me up the most once I learned HOW to do it properly.
Yes, there is a slight fear of maybe they’ll do it better but HEY! at least you get to do other things (your true “ness” – did you watch that movie? I forget the name with Kate ? and Owen Wilson?)
I was wondering if you ever considered changing the layout of your blog? Its very well written; I love what youve got to say. But maybe you could a little more in the way of content so people could connect with it better. Youve got an awful lot of text for only having one or two images. Maybe you could space it out better?